Isolation and Chaos.
Four months of struggle, no end in sight.

The honeymoon period with SD is over and I've reached the four-month "quit or not" period, and I'm on the edge as we speak. I've seen extremely limited successes IC, and have fallen into a rut - basically consisting of working my IC job, spending the majority of my time involved in limited social/romance RP, and otherwise waiting for the next death, terror attack, or other chaotic shoe to drop; sending my character in another direction completely outside of my control. Some advice I was given recently is to consider SD a "Murder Simulator", and to always expect the hidden blade at any moment. To either become okay with losing weeks or months of progress at the drop of a hat, or decide the game just isn't for me.

That choice is immensely difficult, because I've spent four months of my life developing a few very important IC friendships and laying the foundation for others. The Grind for my daily IC job is just that - very little being gained for weeks or months of time, with limited interactions with coworkers and an inability to really affect any change or direction as a whole. The UE Grind is another issue; spending days and weeks slowly working toward a goal that will take me at least another six months to achieve. All the while, the game feels like a constant assault both IC and OOC. I'm logging in daily to do the same few things, see the same few people, do the same basic job duties, and always waiting for the next hammer to drop. The next murder to happen. The next thing to get stolen. The next paycheck. I've tended to help other close friends IC out with their own goals by sacrificing my own money and time so they're not stuck in the same grind, but this just puts me further behind.

I guess what I'm saying is, SD doesn't feel *Fun* anymore. It's a power fantasy *for others*. In-game, my PC feels utterly powerless. Faceless. Worthless. I matter to a few other PCs, which is the only thing that's kept me from disappearing up until now. I don't feel as-if I have any actual character agency to pursue anything, and I'm losing any motivation to *actually try* because I have no support, very few actual resources, and everyone outside of my small circle is either indifferent toward me at least or wants to see me dead at worst. Being murdered, having my character victimized by others for personal gain, is not fun. Being told to "figure out how to deal with it or don't." isn't fun, and screams of Stockholm syndrome. In the end, in my view, I'm being told to be okay with being powerless, be okay with grinding for the next year, be okay losing over & over until I somehow manage to be okay… Or to leave the site completely.

That. Is not fun.

I got involved in SD not as a power fantasy, but to explore my character's successes and failures with friends I'd make a long the way. Where I'm at now is, there's way more failures and successes, the friendships I've developed are important but if I disappeared tomorrow I'd just be seen as a coward who couldn't hack it. I am constantly reminded, IG, that I'm one of a million faceless bakas nobody cares about. I'm constantly reminded that I can trust no-one, and I'm on my own.

So I ask you... At what point is this supposed to be fun? When is getting punched, kicked, stabbed, thrown off a building, or blown up ever fun for anyone except the one doing it to you? When is spending months or years dragging yourself through the mud fun? Why keep going at all?

I am not someone, IRL, who plays the victim. In-fact, I am in an IRL job where I protect others from becoming victims. It is very difficult for me to, IC, see myself as a victim and learn to accept it, but it's sorta where I'm at. Yes, I am experiencing bleed, but after months of it, you probably would too.

This game is too real sometimes, because it reminds me how powerless I am IRL too. And that is truly not fun. It's why I work in a job where if I died protecting someone, at least I'd be worth something.

I guess I'm asking if any of us really matter. Do I matter? Or is this the best it'll ever be?

I understand that UE & Money are tools in a toolbox, and that SD rewards thinking outside the box and relying on social cleverness and other less 'mechanical' tools. That being said, the isolation & unfamiliarity with the game still keeps me, as a new player, entirely lost on what to do, what to attempt, or where to go next. I come from a Play-By-Post RP background where 'player agency' was a simple "I do/don't want to write that story' decision. Coordination OOC was considered a vital part of the puzzle, to have some ideas of a character's wants, desires, and what they were willing to lose.

The problem I'm having is just that; I'm at the mercy of other characters who have more money, more power, more SP, more influence, and my support system IG is extremely limited. I'm feeling boxed in, and… Well, like I said, that I don't really matter.

I'm not asking for somebody to care. I'm sad that the game fosters such apathy both IC & OOC that it's either "Work it out yourself or booth."

Again, just a bit too real.

Being oppressed, hopeless, and against all the odds, is part of the cyberpunk theme, and it's by design that you feel this way. The game will reward you when you embrace the theme and you become willing to cross moral lines, break the rules, and do anything necessary to get ahead. Sindome is not a happy place.

It's a dog eat dog world, extremely exaggerated to the point where it's suffocating. You barely have any personal space left. Why would you be a protagonist with plot armor in a game world with 85 million people (and +50 active players)?. It is up to you at which point do you decide to say, fuck it, and become a punk yourself?

Every setback is an opportunity to write how your character manages to persevere despite a stacked deck and many enemies. And then, one day, your character may be the one looking down and causing grief to the faceless masses, as a testament to the corrupting nature of power and to the morally bankrupt world made by unchecked capitalist endeavors.

The bully's response was along the lines of. "I used to get bullied for a long time, until one day I just pointed at you and said 'hey, why don't we get that guy?' and so we started fucking with him. I Wish he lived long enough to find his own person to point at."

Not a direct quote but the point is the same. This game is essentially that. And if you are trying to do your own thing, you are making yourself a target for those groups to point at you. And this is how the game is meant to be.

You are meant to latch on to the existing power until you can become strong enough to attract your own minions. If you are doing your own thing, you are essentially swimming upstream, except you aint a trout.

I also wanna point out that it can be hard to see your own mistakes if your friends wont call you out on them.

If you do end up in conflict with someone more powerful than you they are probably willing to give you and out even if at first it seems like they're intent on destroying you. A character can come off as completely unreasonable but the player behind them tends to have a heart.

I disagree with playing the game based around 'minions' though. I think like Grey0 mentioned, while you can play the game like that it's not the only way. You will always have to be able to navigate the politics of the dome but if you turn toward gathering a group of followers that's also a way for you to end up with problems if someone thinks you're trying to hold contacts close to you.

There's a larger argument to be hard about that topic but I'll keep it vague as the specifics aren't relevant to this thread.